Oh Dear, Cupid

If you’re a feminist, why are you baking?

Because feminism is about women doing whatever the heck they want without fear of scrutiny, judgement and worse. If you’re a douche-canoe, why are you messaging me?

I hereby invite myself to stay at your place next time Rammstein plays in London and we go to the concert together :P

A little ambition never hurt anyone, but I think it’s probably best if you recognise your fantasies for what they are, dude.

Disclaimer: I am actually aware that ‘dogging’ is not actually ‘square/swing dancing’.

[GDY]: Have you ever gone dogging?

[Me]: Funny you should ask that. I’m actually treasurer of the Brockley Dogging Society.

[GDY]: Wow fun stuff :) I’m from Canada and just found out about that online. It seems like a lot of fun :)

[Me]: It is. We get together every Thursday evening to get a bit of dogging done. The local politics are a bit stressful though.

[GDY]: What’s the most guys you dogged with in one night?

[Me]: Well, the thing is, every time the caller yells “switch”, you have to change partners, so I can get through like, 15 to 20 guys in an evening. It’s pretty exhausting but a good way to meet people.

[GDY]: Wow. We call something like that here a train. 

But it consists of one girl and a bunch of guys. 
I am a huge voyeur. I love watching people fuck

[GDY]: What kind of outfits do you wear when you go out dogging?

[Me]: I don’t think we have a move called ‘train’ but we do a lot of circles and sets. 

We pretty much spread things equally here. Of course, every now and again you get a girl on girl or guy on guy when someone doesn’t show up or has to babysit or something, but no one really minds. 

I love watching people too. They always look so happy and energised! There’s always some great dresses on show too.

[Me]: Ooh, two questions at once! I have this gingham swing dress that I usually wear. Comfy shoes are necessary, obviously!

[GDY]: Where’s your most favorite place you dog at? :) I ask a lot of questions..hope you don’t mind. I’m always curious about things new to me

[Me]: Everyone ‘round here knows the best place is the local town hall, but every now and again we go wild and have an open-air session.

[GDY]: Very nice. I’m to shy for public sex lol

[Me]: Lots of questions is cool. I really like talking about it. To be honest, I think more people should check it out. 

I first got into it in school, but it wasn’t popular with the other kids. I joined a private club after I graduated and gave some thought to getting into it professionally but I just don’t have the time, or the calf muscles! You shouldn’t be shy. Everyone’s always been very supportive of me. Anyways, I’m off out for my weekly dogging meet, but I should be back in a few hours if you have any more questions.

[GDY]: Have fun :) I enjoyed chatting with you

[Me]: Sorry I didn’t pop back online last night. Badly sprained my ankle in the middle of a particularly complicated move. Felt so bad that everyone had to stop what they were doing and help me up! Embarrassing!

We might compare notes on event scheduling

That is the entire message, the submitter informs me.

You might indeed compare notes on event scheduling. You might compare notes on the latest superhero film, or the price of wasabi peas in greater London, or your findings on the gamma radiation byproducts of chicken soup, or the mating habits of the Chinese moon bear.

But probably not. I’d suggest starting with coffee. And a message that makes you sound less like a corporate zombie in a film starring Tom Cruise.

I like drinkin and nice new colour

Whatever he’s drinking, I’ll have a double. Sounds like good shit.

at the risk of being a gigantic pedant and douchebag- the last line of your profile suggests “negging doesnt work”. I am assuming you were aiming for “begging”.

I guess negging or begging may not work…and I have a feeling that being a smartarse won’t help me much either

I suppose he is, at least, self aware.

Incidentally, I love how this self-confessed “pedant” fails to capitalise the start of his first sentence, fails to put spaces around his hyphens, and leaves out the apostrophe in “doesn’t”.

After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories…. You will always have a special place in my heart.

Your ex-hubby,

[Name]

Try thinking up your own jokes next time.

Hey i saw your profile and i am not quite sure about you. I’d like to ask you an important question so email me back

…What?

Is this code?

Is he trying to recruit me to the secret police? Is he a member of the secret police trying to gather evidence against me?

What the hell kind of message is this?

I’m sorry to say I’m not a [team I support] fan but I do enjoy the Paralympics, that’s pretty much the same thing right?

Well, someone’s bitter about our place in the Premier League.

Things that are unattractive about this message:

1. Negging. Seriously, when are people going to realise that this doesn’t work? At least, not on people with a shred of self-confidence and an IQ of more than 100. It doesn’t make you look edgy. It makes you look 13.

2. Casual disablism! If I were to tell someone that I didn’t enjoy watching Songs of Praise but did enjoy watching the Ku Klux Klan on parade, which is pretty much the same thing, right, would they laugh or assume that I was a horrible, reprehensible human being?

Online dating 101: I guess it’s helpful if you’re upfront about your prejudices, but don’t expect it to win you any friends.

hi love

OK, let me just stop you right there.

Readers, permit me a moment of self-indulgence, if I may. Does it drive anyone else up the wall when a complete stranger calls you “love”? Or “sweetheart”, “darling”, or anything else you’d call your spouse, child or pet?

As far as I’m aware, this only happens to people who appear female. Certainly, I don’t recall any strangers addressing my six-foot-tall, long-haired, beard-wearing, broad-shouldered ex as “love”. Oh, and actors, but don’t get me started on them.

Edit - a male-bodied commenter has confirmed that this does also happen to people who appear male. Maybe it’s a British thing?

Yesterday, on a train home after a long day, I showed my ticket to the inspector, who replied with “Thank you, sweetheart”. Having travelled about a third of the length of the country to get where I was, and facing the prospect of the same journey back, I did not feel like anyone’s sweetheart. Least of all some patronising so-and-so who thought he could talk down to me because I look young and female.

And no, don’t give me the “they’re just trying to be friendly” argument. That’s what the word “mate” is for.

But I digress. The crowning glory of this message, dear Internet, is still to come.

i like your profile..

Wait for it…

i love to know you a lot better…

Waaaiit for it…

i wana suck your pussy

Thar she blows! No pun intended. Ahem.

I suspect I don’t need to dedicate yet another post to those people who go straight to the sexual propositions, do not pass Go, do not collect £200, so let’s have some fun with a couple of my other bugbears:

1) The assumption that the desire and ability to perform cunnilingus is some kind of sexual Holy Grail.

OK, so it’s great that cunnilingus is now an accepted part of the general sexual repertoire. It shows that we have at least had some progress in the field of sex-positivity. But the proliferation of “I wanna [verb] your pussy” messages shows that it’s now taken the top spot in the list of Things Women Want In Lieu of Communicating Desire. Not everyone enjoys receiving cunnilingus. Some - most? - of us would rather you took the trouble to find out what our desires actually are.

2) My vagina is not a cat.

My vagina is also not a garden, a collection of meaningless syllables, a mouth, a variety of shellfish, a carnivorous plant (or animal), or a geographical or geological feature of any kind. It is a vagina.